The Second Date - by Anne Shier

(From the book: Magnetism to Marriage: [A] Guilt-Free Guide to Dating, Relationships, Premarital Decisions, and Honeymoon, by Roy E. Peterson, with the assistance of Anthony and Kristeena Peterson, 2011—Chapter 4—“Let’s Get Together, Yay, Yay, Yay!”—includes some of Ms. Shier’s comments, where applicable)

A second date is like a second helping of food.  It means there was something to the first date and interest was piqued enough in how a second date would turn out.  Fun is not the object, sharing is.  A second date is a validation for both people that things went well on the first date and, as far as the author—Mr. Peterson—is concerned, he has not discovered anything (from a man’s perspective) that would warn him otherwise.  A man has usually made a decision already about a second date in the first few minutes after ordering food at a restaurant or drinks are served. 

A second date is still a get-acquainted process.  Do they like the same places you do?  Did they ask where you would like to go?  This is particularly important for girls.  If not on the second date, by the fifth date, have they taken your request into account?

A second date is an opportunity to make a different impression or reinforce positively the first impression.  A second date should be a relief, a time to open up a little more and communicate in a more comfortable atmosphere.  You can either keep the second date simple, as is the case with younger dating couples, or more imaginative, as is necessary for more advanced couples, to enhance interest and improve chances for romance.

Guidance on the second date is just as important as it was on the first date.  Don’t forget the flowers.  Flowers are safest.  Save the box of chocolates until you are assured that your date is not on a diet.  Do not bring the bottle of wine until you find out if she even drinks alcohol.  Jewelry, articles of clothing, and perfume are more intimate and should not be given until an ongoing relationship has been formed.  Mr. Peterson has condensed some ideas that are based on extensive research.

Idea # 1:  Up the ante.

The first date was to get acquainted and so a place, such as a restaurant, provided a place to talk and get to know more about each other.  Now it is time to up the ante, but do it carefully.  If the idea is a movie, it must be chosen wisely to avoid offense by indiscrete language or sexually oriented content.  A dramatic theme is more appreciated than an action movie and increases the romantic mood.  Action thrillers can be a downer for the girl.

Idea # 2:  Change the venue.

The first date place is often special.  Save it for another time and return to it, such as on the one month anniversary of dating.  You have a chance to find out more in another setting or activity.  How about an amusement park complete with rides and candy apples?  Find a place such as this to laugh and play a little bit while increasing contact such as holding hands, a gesture that brings security and comfort to both people.  Mr. Peterson could give a range of places, but each location is unique and the concept here is to make a plan.

Idea # 3:  Tell the other person where you are going and what you are doing (on the date).

Did you forget to tell her that you were taking her horseback riding?   She appears wearing a  designer miniskirt.  Mr. Peterson imagines the discussion at the stables and is still laughing.  If the boy / man does not say where they are going in advance, the girl / woman should always ask anyway.  Parents need to know that their daughter is going to a safe place and what kind of place they can be found in an emergency.  The girl / woman needs to know how to dress appropriately for the occasion. 

Idea # 4:  Compliments and jokes are a good thing.

Not all jokes are funny, but a little titter is appreciated even for a bad joke.  Do not tell an off-colour joke or one with a sick punch line.  Flattery works.  The old saying is, “Flattery will get you everywhere.”  Mr. Peterson would like to share a warning about flattery, however.  If flattery is insincere or excessive, you will be discovered to be a fraud.

Compliments bestowed on the date partner are endearing and confidence building.  Never criticize on the second date though, even slightly, unless the partner has done something so outrageous that it’s time to go home and forget about them.  Saying in a public restaurant, “I see your tan is fading” will not endear you to the other person.

Idea # 5:  Either date can physically touch the other. Don’t be afraid.

Touching appropriately is OK on the second date.  Gestures of physical affection, such as placing an arm around you, playing with your hair, or holding  you close while kissing, are fine.  Be receptive and respond in kind.  The male should make the first move, but some men have heard stories about the touchiness of some women and are actually afraid to initiate physical contact with them.  Women in contemporary America can initiate physical intimate contact as well.

Idea # 6:  Dress smartly.

If there is a range of places to go on the date, dress comfortably, but smartly.  Avoid high heels unless you know you’re going to church or the opera.  Appropriate dress means both comfort with the surroundings and confidence in appearance.  Dressing smartly does not mean to go out and buy some new dresses.  It means wear something that fits properly and looks good on you whether it came from Wal-Mart or Target.

Idea # 7:  Flirting is a good thing, but only with the date.

Mr. Peterson says, “Trust me on this one.”  Do not flirt with anyone but the person who brought you.  Men or women sometimes flirt on the side in a vain attempt to make themselves look popular with the opposite sex, but the date partner will interpret it as an insult.  Besides, you’ll look foolish flirting with other people while on a date.  You are not searching every minute for other possibilities.  You are trying to pin down the present shot that you have.

Flirting with your date is a way of communicating that you are fun and have a sense of humour.  You are improving your chances of a sustained relationship by flirting.  Flirting says, “I am interested in you and I can be exciting.”  Flirting is a way of complimenting the other in a fun way.  Flirting impresses people, is attention that is gratuitous, and is safe.  Returning the flirt is confirmation and validation that the other person is doing something right and gives them confidence.

Idea # 8:  Laugh off disagreements unless they are overwhelming.

Disagreement is natural unless one wants to become a sycophant.  A sycophant is not a sick elephant.  A sycophant is someone who cannot bear disagreement and always subordinates their thoughts and ideas to another.  On the second date, you are not yet engaged in a power play!  Definitely not!  Laugh off disagreements.  Find the humour in yourself and in the other person.  If agreement is not on the way, agree to disagree.

Idea # 9:  It is too early to commit.

The dating experience, especially the first few dates, is way too early to make promises to each other.  The best policy is don’t ask, don’t tell!  Commitment comes much farther down the road.  There are too many questions, too many possibilities including other dates, and too many pitfalls to overcome at this stage.  That does not mean an early commitment is doomed to failure, however.  Mr. Peterson does believe in love at first sight.

Idea # 10:  Sex is out of the question on the first or second date.

Don’t even go there.  I doubt that you know anything about the other’s sexual history or past partners, if any.  For mature individuals, sex may be understood as part of the equation and  the reason for the date in the first place.  According to Mr. Peterson, now we are in conflict with God’s plan if we are engaging in sex with every person we date.  For those that do plan on sex by date number two, bring appropriate birth control items in purse or pocket.

Even in advanced dating at more mature ages, psychologists tell us that six dates should be considered before advancing to having a sexual relationship.  One does need to learn something about the sexual history of the other and assess the possibility of life altering and life threatening diseases.

You have now made it through the second date and there is more ahead…


copyright 2016 - Anne Shier - to be published in book format in the future (hard cover, soft cover, e-book / audio book)