Romance Rules -- Part B -- by Anne Shier

(From the book: Magnetism to Marriage: [A] Guilt-Free Guide to Dating, Relationships, Premarital Decisions, and Honeymoon, by Roy E. Peterson, with the assistance of Anthony and Kristeena Peterson, 2011—Chapter 5—Romance Rules”—includes some of Ms. Shier’s comments, where applicable)

Ground Rules for a Fair Fight

Fighting fairly requires setting and understanding the rules of fighting.  There are a lot of self-help guides for setting the rules from a variety of sources.  The author—Mr. Peterson—has condensed them all down into the following rules that should be discussed before a disagreement or escalation of conflict occurs.  One way to get over the first “spat” or “argument” is for one of the partners to say, “Let’s set some ground rules.”  Just discussing the ground rules can make each other laugh, or at least contain the conflict.

1.      Fight to resolve, not to win.

The object is not to win, but to settle with the relationship still intact.  Think of it more as a negotiation than a winner-takes-all strategy.  Mr. Peterson sincerely believes that the winner will not take all and the source(s) of conflict will remain unless settled.

2.     Fight without violence or verbal abuse.

How many of you have read of the college athlete losing a scholarship, losing a girlfriend, or even going to jail for physical violence?  Physical violence from either partner is abuse.  Understand when it happens, that the other person may have come from a home life in which violence and physical abuse is the norm.  That is one of the reasons to discuss the ground rules or (how about this suggestion) have them read this set of rules? 

Verbal abuse does not scar the body, but does scar the soul.  Yelling and screaming may let off steam, but it is a sure way to escalate the fight unless the other party has a lot of experience at self control and has a calm personality.

(Ms. Shier’s perspective:  I know, from personal experience, mostly in my childhood home life, that verbal abuse can be very harmful.  Although the harm it does is different than physical abuse, it will do just as much damage unless it is dealt with in a calm manner.  I would rather walk away (or run, as the case may be) than to try and calm down someone who is very angry.  For this strategy to work, however, there must be an escape route available.  The only other option is to hope that the conflict can be contained safely before irreversible damage is done.)

3.     Fight while staying on the subject.

Fighting can quickly bring up a host of past transgressions, grievances that have been harboured and unresolved, and unhealthy little nagging things that have bothered each person.  Agree to dispense with one issue at a time.  That does not mean you cannot make a list of the little things.  In fact, putting them down on paper is a good way to work through issues of any size.  The list then becomes the subject.  And, another thing…

4.     Fight on specifics, not generalities.

Keeping to the key interrogatories of who, what, when, where, why, and how makes the grievance concrete and focuses the argument.  Juliet said (to Romeo), “I saw you flirting with Jezebel the other day at the high school quad.”  Now, we are getting specific rather than saying, “You always flirt with girls, don’t you?”  Romeo might not have a clue that he flirted with Jezebel.  At least it allows Romeo a fair chance to defend himself, rather than trying to figure out how many, where, and how often he may have flirted.

Avoid phrases like:  You always…You never…You can’t…Using such terms actually helps the case of the other partner.  That’s because, much like an affirmed act in a legal debate is used to destroy the arguments of the opposition, the same can be said for an argument.  It only takes the partner one minute to bring up a case of not being always, and the whole weight of the evidence shifts in his or her favour.  You don’t want to give him or her that opening in the argument.

5.     Fight without involving third parties.

No friends, not coworkers, no relatives – oh, particularly no relatives.  You don’t need their judgment on behalf of one or the other.  Friends and peers are going to be biased anyway and, since when did they have your interests at heart?  The person you think is a friend may be motivated to break up the couple, either because of jealousy of the relationship or wanting to get with the other person.  Never listen to a friend.  If married with children, find a place to argue / discuss / negotiate / fight outside their viewing and listening space.

6.     Fighting without past histories.

Mr. Peterson pluralized this particular rule because both sides of the conflict have a past history of some kind.  For one side to bring up the past opens the gates for the other to throw something back.  This is rather like opening up a line of questioning in a legal trial only to have the other side come back at you.  Remember the old saying, “Pointing a finger at someone means four fingers are being pointed back at you.”

7.     Fight without name calling.

That includes even endearing names used in the past for each other, because regardless of the intention, the name used will be taken as an insult or sound sarcastic to the other, especially with an elevated voice saying it or emotions conditioning it.  Names like liar and stupid should not be used without clear evidence of the lie or the other party having a low IQ.  Mr. Peterson doubts you have either situation with someone you yourself selected for a relation-ship.  If so, you are the one with those qualities in the first place.  You are the one calling yourself a liar and stupid.

8.     Fight without accusing.

One thing that comes to mind, if not during the last stage of an argument, is to accuse and blame the other person.  Accusations escalate.  Blame gets out of control.  None of us is blameless in the first place, so why start blaming the other person?  Usually the crux of the problem is that the other person believes he or she did something or forgot to do something.  The issue does need to be brought up in a way that dampens the blame.  How can we do that?

The first subordinate principle or corollary if you will is not to use the words, “You did xxx, or you said xxx.”  Talk instead about your feelings and how you understood the situation.  There is no way you can fathom the depth of feelings in the other person, but you hopefully are an expert on your own feelings.  “I feel” is how you still have emotions about what was said or not said, what was done or not done.  “I felt” refers to the time of the incident.  How you felt is relevant to the argument and communicates how you will feel in the future if the same type of event occurs again.

9.     Communicate, don’t berate.

Remember that a fight is actually a negotiation tactic to change something.  There are several aspects to communication.  First, respect your partner, mate, or spouse.  This respect changes your communication and tactics, and it always means “don’t hit below the belt.”  You want this fight to be fair and you want a result or solution that is sufficient.  Using humour in a fight is not a good tactic unless you have an impeccable sense of timing and can deliver the humour in a non-sarcastic and non-injurious way.  Laughing at someone’s point could become the next issue and injure the sensitivities of the other person.

Active listening, engaging the eyes of the other person, hearing them out before interjecting are all solid communication skills that most people have to develop over time.  Gestures and body language often tell more than the words.  Is the other person agitated, are they throwing up their hands, or are they finger pointing?  Mr. Peterson feels that if you have read this book and put his rules into practice, he assumes that you are the calm one, not the one doing the gesturing or getting your body all worked up to the point of jumping up and down.

Escalating, raising the stakes, or becoming emotional all show a lack of communication skills.  Crying is like the baby who does not get his way.  Crying at the end together, however, lets out emotion in a shared setting and wins the heart of the other for showing the depth of their grief or hurt.

Stay calm.  Don’t raise your voice!  It means, “I am in this small room with you and can hear a whisper.”

Silence is not communicating and “silence is not golden,” except to engender frustration and create more anger in both parties.  There must be feedback.

Inventions of the mind or exaggeration of the situation weaken your own argument, so why try this tactic in the first place?  You are losing the communication battle if you bring these into the conversation.  Remain focused on the facts.  You are more believable and the issue is more likely to be resolved amicably.

How about reaching for the hand of your mate or lightly touching his or her arm?  When done in a non-threatening way, the effects can be amazing.  Touching (gently) calms the other person down and shows that you both care for and love them.  It puts both of you in close proximity and reduces tension.

(Ms. Shier’s perspective:  I have learned over time, the hard way, what works and what does not work when it comes to fighting.  For one thing, I would never want to start a fight and, for another, when it comes to making my point to someone, I want to try to do it as briefly and to the point, as possible.  Keep your emotions in tight check, make your point, and try to reach an amicable resolution as soon as possible with your significant other.  However, if the person you are fighting with is not that important to you, then walk away.  Don’t prolong something that could easily turn nasty.  It’s not worth trying to win something that is unwinnable, nor is it worth wrecking a relationship that means a lot to you.  Try as best you can to preserve an important relationship, not destroy it.)

10.  Timing.

Saving the little things in your mind until they explode as the “last straw” is not fair to either party.  Iron out the small things while they are still small, and perhaps the larger “fights” will never happen.  In your ground rules, you can set a time limit for arguing, such as ten or fifteen minutes on the subject.  Having this ground rule in place before any arguments, lays down a number that can be used by either party to call a timeout without seriously offending the other party.

Take a “grief” break.  If the partner refuses to discuss the issue at hand, call a timeout, but set an appointment and put it on the calendar for sometime during the next 24 hours.  The sooner, the better.  If the time that has gone by is 48 hours, it must not have been that important in the first place.  Just let it go.

If you need a timeout during a lengthy “discussion”, be sure to communicate that to the other person.  The steps recommended by counselors are:

a.     Take responsibility for breaking off the conversation.  Say something like, “I need a timeout”, or “I don’t want to lose control.”

b.     Tell the other person with whom you are arguing,”I need to take a deep breath”, or “I need a timeout.”  Whether you are going to the bathroom, outside for some fresh air, or to the balcony for a few minutes, tell your partner what you are doing.  Say, “I have to go to the bathroom”, or “I am going outside for some fresh air and to think”, or “I am going for a short walk.”

c.      Set a time for return, or even invite your partner to go along.  The break in the action is good for both people and clears the heads of those involved.

Using these simple steps will keep your partner from feeling rejected or abandoned, or from getting even angrier.  Following these steps still shows your partner that you are committed to communication and resolution.  Your partner might also think that if you can sort out your own thoughts, things may go their way.  What usually happens is that both parties realize their pigheadedness and are ready for accommodation upon the return of the other.

Conflict Management

1.     Study this book.  Mr. Peterson has given you twenty conflict management techniques.  Ten of them are what to do to build a relationship and ten are about how to fight fairly.

2.     Put the other first.  Your partner, your relationship, your marriage, your love, and your trust are all at stake.

3.     Listen.  Always be ready to listen.

Ending an Argument or Fight

It takes two to tango and it takes two to fight, but it only takes one to stop.  The problem though is the terms on which the fight is stopped.  Stopping is not easy, but there are some natural breaks when one party or the other figures things are somewhat in balance and can break off the fight.

Asking forgiveness and being willing to forgive is a better way to say “I am sorry”.  Do not walk out the door without a kiss.  Put everything behind you.  Just as a good athlete does not dwell on the mistakes of the past, so a couple must also put the past behind them and leave it there.

copyright 2016 - Anne Shier - to be published in book format in the future (hard cover, soft cover, e-book / audio book)