Rules of the Dating Game -- by Anne Shier

(From the book: Magnetism to Marriage: [A] Guilt-Free Guide to Dating, Relationships, Premarital Decisions, and Honeymoon, by Roy E. Peterson, with the assistance of Anthony and Kristeena Peterson, 2011—Chapter 4—“Let’s Get Together, Yay, Yay, Yay!”—includes some of Ms. Shier’s comments, where applicable)

The Dating Game:  High Risks, High Rewards

Dating is more than a game.  It’s high stakes poker with high risks and high rewards as well as potentially devastating losses when you go “all in”.  Let’s discuss the dating game at the very beginning before the first date.   What is important to each person on the date?  How do we act?  What manners are exhibited? There are some principles that the author--Mr. Peterson--has developed over years of personal experience and observation.

Principle # 1:  Never bring a friend along on a date unless there is a double date.

Circumstances may dictate a double date, such as not having a car, going to a first party, insistence of the other person on a safe driving experience, or a blind date introduction.  Those are understandable circumstances and must be presented in advance to the date as the only alternatives for the first time out.  Other than that, the first principle of dating is to NEVER, EVER include a friend.  Elvis Presley had a great song that applies to dating and friends being involved:

That’s When Your Heartaches Begin

Love is a thing you never can share

And when you bring a friend into your love affair,

That’s the end of your sweetheart

That’s the end of your best friend

That’s when the heartaches begin.

What possible motivations are there for bringing along a friend?  Excuses range from soothing nerves on a first date; impressing a boy or girl with a friend that is judged to have more experience, charm, and status; learning how to behave properly; looking less eager for a kiss; or prepping the friend to provide compliments about you and your prowess in some field or area.  Only the emotionally insecure bring along a friend.  The amazing fact is that the emotionally insecure are in the majority.

The view of the person you are dating is that they see a lack of leadership, insecurity (which is the truth), and lack of trust (fear of what might happen).  Lack of leadership means that everything done requires a poll and must be approved by everyone on the date.  Insecurity means mistrust of one’s judgment or a fear of messing up, which demonstrates a lack of self-confidence.  If there really is a lack of trust, why go on the date in the first place?  Girls want to date someone who demonstrates leadership, shows respect, has manners, and is self-confident.  They don’t want a “wuss”.

This does not mean that going to a birthday party with another couple or doing things together with others are out.  What it does mean is that for early dating and building relationships, the couple must be alone without interference to determine for themselves their suitability for each other.

(Ms. Shier’s perspective:  This principle is so personally true for me and explains why I went on so many dates in my younger days, but not many that did not involve other people to some extent.  Early dating should be a one-on-one situation that does not involve anyone else.  How else can you expect to get to know the other person better except when you’re alone with him?  I certainly would never want to date a “wuss” if I could possibly help it--and I didn’t if I could possibly help it.)

Principle # 2:  The guy pays unless….

The person doing the inviting pays unless the boy / man offers or, even better, takes the bill when it comes to the table or pays for the movie tickets.  A guy can never go wrong when he picks up the tab even when invited.  Exceptions to this rule are, of course, someone else has already paid, the girl / woman received free tickets, or the girl works at Disneyland (for example) and has free passes for the summer.  In western society in particular, however, the boy / man pays for the restaurant tab and the tickets for events.

Principle # 3:  Arrive on time.

Always arrive on the minute or earlier, not later.  Mr. Peterson has a story to share about the first date of his mother and father that shows early arrival to the extreme.  His father lived 60 miles away from the town in which his mother lived.  They had met at a church rally and decided to go on a first date at 6 pm on the next Satur-day night.  The morning of the date came and his mother’s grandmother, with whom she was living at the time, went to the window at 6 o’clock in the morning and exclaimed, “Minette, get up!  There is someone in a car out front.”  His mother came to the window and began laughing uncontrollably.  “That’s my date for tonight and he’s twelve hours early!”  At this point, her grandmother said, “Well then, invite him in to spend the day.”  Mrs. Peterson’s grandmother was extremely pleased to have time to spend with her grandchild’s first date, and she was blown away by the concern her date had just shown for reaching her on time over the dirt roads (unpaved) of the 1930’s.  Perhaps it is never too early to arrive on a date, however, Mr. Peterson recommends arriving five minutes early just in case.

Principle # 4:  Leave your emotional bags at home.

The first date is not a therapy session.  Besides, you do not want to divulge your problems for the other person to deal with on the first date:  your psycho-boss, teacher, or parent is not something to place on the other person’s doorstep, at least not yet.  Your cheating ex is not someone to bring into the conversation.  This is an exploratory date.  If the other party brings something like that up, be sensitive, but take control and steer the conversation in another direction.

On subsequent dates minor disclosures are fine.  Open one little carrying case at a time and do not dwell on it.  Of course, respond in a positive manner if the date wants to know because that shows that the date is concerned about you and there is nothing to worry about.  Do not unpack the entire case on the first date.

Principle # 5:  Focus on the other person.

Pay a lot of attention to the other person.  If you are in a crowd, don't come down with roving eye syndrome, assessing other possibilities.  Ask innocuous questions about the interests, goals, dreams, and realities of the other person.  This is neither a time to probe nor a time to give an intelligence quiz.  Don’t ask, “What does your mother think of us dating?”  Mr. Peterson believes that the other person normally doesn’t have a clue yet what their parents think.  You really don’t care and don’t want to know the answer to that question anyway.  It is irrelevant to your relation-ship, at least for now.  Similarly, you don’t need a Wunderlich test question that is usually given to professional athletes such as, “If you were an animal, which one would you be?”  You want to make each other comfortable, not ask any pass/fail questions of each other.

Principle # 6:  Stay on safe topics.

The weather might be the safest topic to discuss, but it is boring.  Events at school, sports, world events, television shows, movies, and personal interests are usually safe topics and are ice breakers.  Stay with topics that seem of interest to the other person.  Your date will not feel threatened and they will love to share.  For them, the time will pass quickly and they will feel that they had a wonderful date with you regardless of whether it is spent sitting in a car at a fast food restaurant, or in a more sophisticated place.

Principle # 7:  Show a sense of humour.  Laugh and smile.

Most of us are attracted to fun, witty dates who demonstrate a sense of humour and the ability to laugh at whatever happens.  Don’t do it on purpose as a test, but if a coke falls in the other person’s lap or your own, laugh a little and get them to see the humour.  Smiling is the surest way to another person’s subconscious.  If something happens to you, show a good sense of humour, laugh at yourself at least a little, make a witty comment about your predicament, or repeat something funny with a smile and a laugh.  It may be funnier the second time around.

Principle # 8:  Prepared spontaneity (can add wonderful things).

Opportunities for romantic interludes may present themselves without preparation and they are often the best chances for a more intimate encounter of the best kind.  If the restaurant you’re in is near a beach or lake, suggest taking a stroll along the beach or lakeside.  Mr. Peterson calls this a mood enhancer.  Relationship experts generally agree that the number one way to generate interest in you is to bring some excitement to the date that is appropriate.  A walk in the park, a ride around an interesting area nearby, or a visit to an amusement park, are all things that can seem spontaneous, even though you have already thought them out.

On later dates, more provocative things can be done such as taking your date to a scary movie, going on a scary boat ride, or taking a fast motorbike ride.  Endo-morphins are produced in the brain that, while stimulating fear in the mind, also create sexual desire.

(Ms. Shier’s perspective:  Some of the best times I ever spent on a date were when my future husband and I took a drive together among the Bayview Manors, a very upscale neighbourhood in Toronto.  We admired the mansions there and shared our dreams of owning a home of our own one day.  This sharing brought us closer together and I will never forget that part of our relationship.)

Principle # 9:  Appropriate physical signals (should be picked up).

Neuro-linguistic specialists observe body language and know the power of understanding how a person feels from the way they stand, sit, or look.  Crossing arms, for example, means back off; I am closed to what you are saying.  Some ways to communicate with body language that subtly influences the other person are to stand facing the other person, look into the eyes of your date, smile, laugh at whatever seems laughable, and lean over toward them a little when talking.  Do not lean too far forward or the signal may be misunderstood.  Use it subtly during a conversation to influence the other person.

A good approach learned from sales classes is to mirror the gestures of the other and then take control by moving your hands.  The mimicking process makes the other person feel comfortable, as though you really understand them.  Then you can control their body language without them realizing what they are projecting.

A touch can be electric and reassuring at the same time.  Holding a person’s hand, or patting a partner on the shoulder or back is encouraging and is a friendly gesture that the date is being enjoyed.  Women love it when a man places his hand on the small of her back.  She feels protected, guided, led, and secure with her date.

(Ms. Shier’s perspective:  Body language tells a person much more about the other person than what they say.  Body language is when you understand what the person really means by how they say something rather than what they say.  It is also about how they sit or stand and how their posture is interpreted as being either open or closed to communication.  In fact, much more is communicated via non-verbal signs than through verbal communication between people.  If you are open to these non-verbal signs, you can learn much more about others.)

Principle # 10:  Complete the date on a high note.

Bad date?  Complete the date on a high note, unless you are running from danger.  By high note, Mr. Peterson means upbeat compliments such as thank you for taking me out.  This phrase does not say much and is safe, regardless of the date and circumstances.  Completing the date does not mean you are planning on accepting another one with the creep.  Lack of a kiss may mean there is no future in this relationship, although it may also mean shyness, inexperience, or lack of one’s own self-confidence.  Be content in knowing that you have made a friendship a little stronger.

Good date?  Say you had a great time (and mean it) and that you would like to go out again on a date.  There is nothing wrong with this coming from either the boy or girl or both.  Affirmation is a prelude to a second date and ends the evening on a high note.  A kiss is perhaps the best note to end the evening and shows that both want more in the future.  Later, Mr. Peterson mentions how to kiss, but the idea is not to kiss too long or too passionately.  You don’t want to appear too eager or easy to get.  Keep the mystery going a little longer.

(Ms. Shier’s perspective:  A woman should not be kissing a man if she is not planning on seeing him again.  A kiss is a physical sign that she is receptive to another date (and perhaps something else more intimate).  All I know is that I have kissed a man I wanted to kiss; if he kissed me first, that does not mean I kissed him back.  Kissing has to be a two-way street to be at all meaningful; but, in any case, it should be a light kiss after the first couple of dates.  There will be plenty of time for getting more intimate later on.  Be happy that you had a good first date and take it as a positive sign of things to come for the two of you.)

copyright 2016 - Anne Shier - to be published in book format in the future (hard cover, soft cover, e-book / audio book)