The First Date -- The Aftermath -- by Anne Shier

(From the book: Magnetism to Marriage: [A] Guilt-Free Guide to Dating, Relationships, Premarital Decisions, and Honeymoon, by Roy E. Peterson, with the assistance of Anthony and Kristeena Peterson, 2011—Chapter 4—“Let’s Get Together, Yay, Yay, Yay!”—includes some of Ms. Shier’s comments, where applicable)

Aftermath of Round 1.  Does it Add up?

(Assume the first date was successful.  Now what?  Should the man call, or should he wait?)

The author—Mr. Peterson—will assume that you did have a good first date and got out of bed the next morning thinking about how good it was to be dating and how nice the evening went and concluded.  Who makes the next move?  It may depend on whether there is a natural meeting place such as the halls at school, or the classroom at college.  These are natural meeting places and make it easy to engage in conversation even if it’s slightly coded to avoid others knowing how things went between you.  Assuming that is not the case, however, who moves first to establish contact?  One of you has to take the initiative.  Consider the other person.  If they are shy in conversation, but worth it, the more extroverted person should do the contacting. 

The traditional answer of course was that the man was supposed to call first, but tradition also often said ‘let it bake for a day or two’.  Women were taught that, to avoid appearing to chase a man, they had to wait.  Fear of rejection by either party after a good date is a problem as well.  Women are usually apprehensive about calling first.  Society has made them feel that way.  It is not just traditional.  Consider what happens if the phone is picked up and a female voice answers (instead of him).  Did I just date a married man?  Is this his mother? (These are a few of the questions a woman might ask herself if she calls first.)  You want to talk to him, not to whatever “her” answered.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with the woman making contact first, but it works best with sensitive or shy men.  Whoever calls first is taking the initiative and responsibility for the course of the relationship.

When not to call:  Do not call first out of frustration to ask, “ Why haven’t you called me?”  Bad move.  Instruction in the common laws of decency is obviously not high on the priority list of the other person.

Relationship experts advise not the call the next morning after a first date or even after the first few subsequent dates.  The most time, however, to wait is three days before taking the initiative.  This establishes an early formality to the relationship that is not overly aggressive or rude.  Waiting a little is what Mr. Peterson calls a percolation technique, which allows replays of the first date in the mind and develops a stronger feeling to want to simply hear the voice of the other person.

Women should understand that the person being dated is not running around with other women unless that is his reputation.  More than likely he is sitting at home watching the football game, eating a delivered pizza, and thinking about you.

Regardless of who makes the first call, however, timing is the key and tact is critical.  Unless you meet regularly at some location such as school or work where there is an automatic opportunity daily to communicate, Mr. Peterson suggests early evening between 7 and 8 pm as the most ideal time to call.  Don’t call a place of work.  The office policy may well dictate no personal calls, and, if you believe the author, the mood is definitely not right.  Responses will be controlled with coworkers hovering nearby.

Sending flowers or gifts is also not a good idea at this point unless you are extremely serious about continuing.  You are not stalking the other person, just looking for a positive response and hoping for another date.

The phone rings.  The heart quickens.  Could it be him?  It is!  Now what?  Make an effort to control your surprise, joy, or ecstasy; modulate your voice with a mild touch of enthusiasm.  It is probably not a good idea to say, “I’ve been waiting by the phone three days for your call!”  It is also probably not a good idea to blurt out, “You are my Prince Charming.”  The idea of another date and being together is still in the conceptual stage and there is no commitment that should be made by either person.

Or, the phone doesn’t ring.  Now what?  You may not have actually been rejected, but may not have become a priority yet.  The person who took you out on a date may be temporarily constrained by his parents or may be out of money.  All is not lost.  Don’t get mad, but do call in an even voice. Express your candid opinion of the first date and recall some interesting or even exciting moments if there were any.  Let the conversation take its course, whether there’s an excuse from the other for not calling, or a statement by the other that he did not call because he thought you would not like it.

Surprising to say, some people live in fear of rejection by you; it’s not just you fearing their rejection.  The call gives the chance for both of you to change the course of the future.  Understand that the first date is really just an experiment anyway to see if there are even common grounds for a relationship.  You are not yet in a relationship with this person; you are in limbo.

Some writers recommend not calling the other person if there is no call, say after five days.  Mr. Peterson disagrees.  You need to find out the truth.  You have a right to know if there is any hope for a future relationship.  Do not assume rejection, but listen to the verbal clues by the other person during the conversation.

Mr. Peterson says it’s better to be certain and put the date behind you if you are rejected than to wonder about it forever.  There is no need to ask why or why not.  Just assume that if there is not a second date, then there are other opportunities.  Don’t change yourself just to accommodate that one person’s opinion of you.

copyright 2016 - Anne Shier - to be published in book format in the future (hard cover, soft cover, e-book / audio book)