Fatherhood -- by Anne Shier

What would you say if as a mature woman, you were to find out that you were to become a grandmother imminently for the very first time?  That event happened to me, Suzanne.   As incredible as it seems, my son, Adam, and his girlfriend, Tammy, who had been staying with us for the past few weeks, were about to become parents - overnight!  I am ashamed to admit it, but I really did not see this particular event coming at all. 

In retrospect, I’m sure Tammy knew that she was pregnant, but was doing her level-best to hide that fact and succeeding admirably.  She’d wear these huge sweatshirts around the house - they were extremely bulky.  It was August when I’d see her wearing one of these sweatshirts and I would stare at her thinking that something fishy was definitely going on.  I had a passing suspicion – was she pregnant or just getting fat?  I quickly dismissed the pregnancy idea as being totally ridiculous.  How much longer did Tammy think she was going to fool anyone with that idea?

A few evenings later, I was home alone, listening to my favourite music on my computer.  Earlier, Tammy had complained of having had a bad stomach ache with intense cramps and, concerned, Adam took her to the hospital.  I was anxiously waiting to hear back from Adam about her condition.

When he finally called me back, the first thing he asked me, very tentatively, was, “Mom, how do you feel about being a grandmother?”  That was a very odd question coming from him.

Anyway, I replied, “Okay, but what does that have to do with what’s happening now with Tammy?”  I was truly baffled by his question.

Then, he said, without any further preamble, “Don’t freak out Mom, but Tammy is in labour.”

My heart starting thumping madly and I had to ask, “Are you sure?! Is the baby yours?”  I was numb with disbelief because I could not accept the fact that a young woman of 18 could be pregnant for nine full months and hide it even from her own boyfriend!  But, it was true.  I didn’t know whether to scream with delight or faint from complete shock.  In fact, I thought I might just have a major coronary.  I only knew one thing for sure – if Adam wanted this baby, then so did I.  I guess Tammy wouldn’t have known how anyone else would feel about the baby, so she couldn’t find it in herself to tell us about it. 

As a matter of fact, I wasn’t sure Tammy wanted it.  Maybe she wasn’t sure she wanted it – yet.  She and Adam hadn’t been together all that long – perhaps a year or so.  They were now having a son together and this was the first anyone had heard about it; even her own family didn’t know.  This was sure to shock them as much as it did me.  I wasn’t sure exactly how I felt about becoming a new grandmother virtually overnight.  It was something that would change my life forever.

It had all started several months ago before I knew that Adam was dating Tammy.  He never discussed his private life with me - no surprise.  Somehow, Adam didn’t strike me as a guy who wanted to settle down and have a family at this point in his life.  He was way too selfish, I thought.  But, when I met Tammy, I was impressed with her youthful beauty, her poise, and her seemingly mature attitude.  She had beautiful long, streaked-blonde hair, a womanly figure, and an outgoing personality.  Tammy seemed like a young woman that my son would fall hard for.  The trouble was that their feelings for each other weren’t obvious; they acted like good friends, which they certainly were.  Adam had lots of friends of both sexes, so this particular relationship did not surprise me at all.  He was popular with everyone because he had a charismatic air about him that made his peers gravitate toward him.  I’ve always felt that male-female friendships usually led to the best romantic relationships, but I guess that’s because I have always been an incurable romantic. 

However, an event that happened between Adam and Tammy four years after their son’s birth would prove to me, once and for all, that I was a hopeless romantic whose head had been in the sand way too long.  I sure didn’t know Tammy well enough, but now that she was the mother of my new grandson, I was prepared to give her the benefit of the doubt.  I decided that I would love her like my own daughter – the one I would never have otherwise.  Tammy was lovely and, if she and Adam wanted their baby son, I was determined to help them out as much as I could.  As it turned out, this decision was pivotal in helping them to decide what they wanted to do, as, they surely could not raise their baby son on their own.

The young family lived with me for another six months or so and we all bought baby stuff together for little Jimmy: diapers, wet-wipes, clothes, blankets and bedding.  We all took turns tending to his needs.  Little Jimmy slept beside Adam and Tammy’s bed in his baby basket in Adam’s very small bedroom.  Somehow, we all managed.  Friends of both Adam and Tammy dropped by to see the new arrival and share their best wishes with the young couple.  Adam, to my complete surprise, took to fatherhood like a duck takes to water.  He took to his fatherhood role so readily that I was again shocked, this time in a good way.

Eventually, they got an apartment together across the street from my apartment so that it would still be relatively easy for me to continue with babysitting and helping them out.  Everything seemed to be going so well and they seemed so happy together.  Then, a year later, they moved again, this time to North York.  That was some distance away from where I lived, which was on the eastern edge of Scarborough.  Things were going well and, gradually, I became less worried about the young family.

When Jimmy was just four years old, Tammy went back to work.  She got a full-time job as a sales girl at a store that sold sporting equipment.  She and Adam later bought a new home for themselves in Oshawa, about an hour outside of Toronto.  It wasn’t a brand new house, but it was new to them.  I was really happy for them.  They were really moving ahead well in their lives together.

Then, the unimaginable happened.  One day, Tammy came home from work and told Adam that she was leaving him.  “Why?!” he asked, aghast that she could do such a thing to their family. 

“Because I’ve met someone else and I’ve fallen for him.  I don’t love you anymore, Adam.   I’m sorry but that’s the way it is now.”

“But, what about Jimmy?"  Don’t you love him?!”  Adam angrily demanded.

“Yes, I do, but it’s been very hard being a new mom at age 18, giving up all my freedom for four straight years, with no end in sight.  My relationship with Dane is the only thing that’s been keeping me sane these days.  I’m so sorry, Adam.  I didn’t really want to hurt you and Jimmy, but you and I – we’re done.”

Adam, who felt he had no one else to confide in at that time, told me the bad news a week later.  I cried hard for him and Jimmy and tried equally hard to understand Tammy’s impulsive decision, but I was hurting too much to be able to do that yet.

This whole fiasco reminded me of how my own husband had ended our relationship, dumping me for another woman.  He’d said he was leaving me because he couldn’t handle being a new father, but I wasn’t sure that he was being truthful.  After all, no man leaves his wife unless he has another woman on the side.  I was later to discover that this was the case. 

No matter what the true reason, however, I was totally devastated for Adam and did not know what to say to him or how to comfort him.  Adam was my son.  He was literally my sun, my moon, and my reason for living.  Before Jimmy’s birth, we’d been a family, just the two of us, for almost twenty years.  Now, Jimmy was also part of my family and my reason for living.  I loved him just as much as I loved Adam.  If anything ever happened to either of them, my life, as I knew it, would be over.  It would be as if I’d just been told I had a terminal disease, with only a couple of months left to live.

How were we going to cope with this tragedy?  I had no idea, so I began to pray to my higher power to try and build my mental strength because I now had none.  Adam’s real-life nightmare was now mine.  Fortunately, Jimmy was still too young to understand.  His mother had explained to him, as best she could, that she had to leave him for a while.  She told him she loved him and always would.   Now, Adam would have to live as a single dad – something I would never have wished for him, ever.  I’d been a single mom myself since Adam was only a baby.  That was no way to raise a child because Jimmy, like Adam, was bound to develop lots of future emotional problems that he wouldn’t be able to deal with by himself.  I wanted a better life than that for little Jimmy.  Only God was going to have a hand in making that possible.  Devine intervention would be the only thing that would help any of us anymore, including Tammy.

I became a proud grandmother of my young grandson, Jimmy, whose future now looks very bright.  His parents finally managed somehow to put their personal differences aside and always put Jimmy first.  I am so thankful that they did that.  More surprising, they eventually became friends again even though their romantic relationship no longer existed.  I am happy that Jimmy has not suffered too much and that he and his dad, in particular, are close, and that we three continue to have a good relationship together.

copyright 2016 - Anne Shier - to be published in book format in the future (hard cover, soft cover, e-book / audio book)

Facebook Becomes No. 2 in this Work-Life Crisis - by Anne Shier

(Inspired by an article from Toronto Metro News – Business section,

May 8-10, 2015)

Byline:  Loss of Partner raises question of how soon to return to work

What happened to Sheryl Sandberg (her real name) could happen to anyone:  the woman who wrote the book on balancing career and family will have to figure out how soon she will be able to return to her high-profile job following the unexpected death of her husband.

In her book Lean In, the Facebook CEO wrote that marriage is “the biggest career decision” a person can make and implored women who want to move up the corporate ladder to settle with someone who wants to do his share in the home.

Now, Sandberg faces the prospect of raising two young children and continuing in a high-flying tech career without David Goldberg (his real name), her husband of eleven years who she often credits with providing the support that was necessary for her to succeed both personally and professionally.

“David was my rock,” Sandberg wrote in a Facebook tribute the Tuesday after the funeral of David Goldberg, who died unexpectedly in a treadmill accident while vacationing in Mexico. 

Sandberg has not made public her plans on returning to Facebook, but the decision she faces highlights a question that the average worker is not prepared to consider until a similar tragedy strikes:  how soon is too soon to return to work after losing a partner, parent, or child?

For those who can, experts recommend taking time off.

Karissa Thacker (her real name), a workplace psychologist who has consulted for companies such as Ford, UPS, and Best Buy, said she thinks Sandberg will “certainly Lean In” and negotiate how much time she needs for herself during this difficult time.  As the No. 2 executive at Facebook (one of the top twenty places to work according to Glassdoor), she is in a position to do so.  But, other workers in less high-profile jobs may also be afforded more time if they are fortunate enough.

Many workers find it difficult to jump back into the demands of their daily workload once they’re back at the office, however.  Experts suggest a slow return to work, even going part-time for a while, if possible.  And, they say that everyone from the employers to the workers themselves should be flexible.

From my own personal life experience, it was extremely difficult for me to get back into a full workload after my mother, Ina Mannisto, was killed instantly in a car crash on Christmas Day 2002, while she was taking me home after our family celebrations.  Though I was not physically hurt, my father, Eric Mannisto, who had also accompanied us, was seriously injured and spent the next two weeks in the hospital.  He would later recover fully.  However, the loss of his wife of 51 years was a loss he’s never fully accepted.  It was a freak accident that caused the car to skid wildly on a snowy, icy, unplowed road and hit a hydro pole at full speed, right on the driver door where my mother was sitting.  No one was ever held at fault for this “freak” accident.  Thankfully, my son was not with us because he had been called out earlier to do some snowplowing for his employer that evening, so he was spared.

Cindy Browne (her real name), my principal at Don Mills C.I. where I worked as a full-time teacher, gave me two weeks off with full pay over and above the normal Christmas break.  She was also considerate enough to attend my mother’s funeral on December 29^th, 2002, and she was very supportive of me when I finally returned to work in the middle of January 2003.  That was one of the most emotionally traumatic events of my entire life.  I really don’t know how I would have managed without her help.  Thank God for employers like her.  I will never forget what she did for me and my family because the loss of my mother like that certainly took its toll of me.

My colleagues and my students were also very supportive in helping me to cope with my loss.  Losing a partner, a parent, or a child is one of the worst things that can happen to anyone.  You don’t realize how much a part of your life they are until they aren’t there anymore.   Because of this loss, I have learned to appreciate my family members like never before and I plan to work on showing my appreciation of their presence in my life every day from now on.

copyright 2016 - Anne Shier - to be published in book format in the future (hard cover, soft cover, e-book / audio book)

A World Without Sunshine - by Anne Shier

(Inspired by a DVD series produced by the BBC:  Human Planet)

In the northernmost region of the world known as the Arctic Circle, the Inuit natives of Greenland know how to dress for the extreme cold.  They wear thick, warm, leak-proof sealskin fur coats with big hoods, and warm fur boots.  In this kind of extreme-cold outdoor gear, they aren’t likely to get cold any time soon.  They do this because once a year, during December and the first half of January, the sun disappears completely from the horizon.  It does not rise in the sky at all for almost eight weeks.  That means it won’t reappear for the next 54 days.  It’s dark and cold all the time, day and night.

People still do their daily activities though:  going to work if they’re adults or to school if they’re kids.  They do everything in the dark.  There are electric lights on, inside and out, but sunlight is nowhere to be found.  It doesn’t come back until the sun rises again on January 13^th.  Nobody likes living in the dark, but there is no choice.  By the 13^th of January, everyone is so glad to see the sun again that the whole village celebrates its return by singing songs together about the sun shining on their souls.  The Inuit people truly appreciate the sun’s light and warmth as a blessing, especially in the high Arctic.  They know firsthand what being without it is like.

Can you imagine what it would be like to never see the sun again, ever?  Could you live in an artificially lit environment?  The closest we’ve come in southern Ontario is living for three to four months in partial darkness; it’s dark when we get up and go to work at 6:30 am and it’s dark by the time we get home again at 5:30 pm.  On the shortest day of the year, December 21^st, daylight lasts for only ten hours, tops.  Unless we go outside at lunch-time, we won’t see much of the sun at all during late fall and early winter.  This time period usually lasts from mid-November till about the end of February each year.  So, when the sun starts showing a hint of sunrise before 6:30 am, only then do we start to become more cheerful and positive and start to rejoice in its presence.

This yearly cycle of darkness begins with the end of daylight saving time at the end of October till the beginning of daylight saving time at the end of the first week of March.  By the time we start to see the sunrise again, we naturally become more cheerful.  The sun brightens up our lives considerably, not just physically, but mentally.  Where would we be without sunshine?  Do you want to live in a world without sunshine?

People like geologists have been doing experiments to see if life on Mars is possible.  To what end?  Call it incurable curiosity if you wish.  After all, human beings are explorers by nature.  Geologists have been trying to extract water from rock to see if any heat exists below the surface of the planet.  Extracting water from rock is not impossible on Earth.  It happens when old riverbeds naturally dry up and become deserts over a long, long time. If push came to shove, would you want to live on Mars given the opportunity even though you’d probably have to live in a bubble, a kind of artificial world that has no natural sunlight? Life for humans might be possible on Mars if and only if life on Earth becomes impossible, but would you do it?

While watching the BBC’s “Human Planet”, I’ve thought about this possibility a lot.  This DVD series is about how human beings have coped and survived in different, often hostile habitats here on Earth and succeeded in carving out lives for themselves.  For example, in the jungles of New Guinea, sunlight is present for twelve hours a day each and every day of the year.  Life of all kinds thrives there as a result.  Incredibly, humans still have survival challenges there, but lack of sunlight is never a problem in this particular habitat.

Would you give up having natural sunlight as part of your everyday life?  I, personally, would hope neither my descendants nor I ever have to make the choice to leave Earth so that we can live on Mars.  In fact, I hope to be dead of old age long before that time.  But, what will happen to my son, grandson, nieces, nephews, and their children?  Maybe it’s premature to worry about such a catastrophic event, but then again, maybe it’s not.

Our climate on Earth is changing as we speak, due to global warming trends.  More deserts are forming every year and they already take up 1/3 of Earth’s land surface.  Oceans take up 70 percent of Earth’s total surface, and the oceans have been steadily rising.  That leaves practically no land that will still be habitable for humans.  I don’t know if global warming can be stopped or slowed down, but I’m sure that our climate is changing and not necessarily for the better.  Yes, we are trying to change our environmentally destructive ways, and yes, I think it does help to implement energy conservation measures, but is it going to be enough?  A world without sunshine (for example, on Mars) is not a world I ever want to live in.  The “greenhouse effect” caused by global warming is an issue that, if not significantly checked, will change all of our lives forever.

copyright 2016 - Anne Shier - to be published in book format in the future (hard cover, soft cover, e-book / audio book)

The Second Date - by Anne Shier

(From the book: Magnetism to Marriage: [A] Guilt-Free Guide to Dating, Relationships, Premarital Decisions, and Honeymoon, by Roy E. Peterson, with the assistance of Anthony and Kristeena Peterson, 2011—Chapter 4—“Let’s Get Together, Yay, Yay, Yay!”—includes some of Ms. Shier’s comments, where applicable)

A second date is like a second helping of food.  It means there was something to the first date and interest was piqued enough in how a second date would turn out.  Fun is not the object, sharing is.  A second date is a validation for both people that things went well on the first date and, as far as the author—Mr. Peterson—is concerned, he has not discovered anything (from a man’s perspective) that would warn him otherwise.  A man has usually made a decision already about a second date in the first few minutes after ordering food at a restaurant or drinks are served. 

A second date is still a get-acquainted process.  Do they like the same places you do?  Did they ask where you would like to go?  This is particularly important for girls.  If not on the second date, by the fifth date, have they taken your request into account?

A second date is an opportunity to make a different impression or reinforce positively the first impression.  A second date should be a relief, a time to open up a little more and communicate in a more comfortable atmosphere.  You can either keep the second date simple, as is the case with younger dating couples, or more imaginative, as is necessary for more advanced couples, to enhance interest and improve chances for romance.

Guidance on the second date is just as important as it was on the first date.  Don’t forget the flowers.  Flowers are safest.  Save the box of chocolates until you are assured that your date is not on a diet.  Do not bring the bottle of wine until you find out if she even drinks alcohol.  Jewelry, articles of clothing, and perfume are more intimate and should not be given until an ongoing relationship has been formed.  Mr. Peterson has condensed some ideas that are based on extensive research.

Idea # 1:  Up the ante.

The first date was to get acquainted and so a place, such as a restaurant, provided a place to talk and get to know more about each other.  Now it is time to up the ante, but do it carefully.  If the idea is a movie, it must be chosen wisely to avoid offense by indiscrete language or sexually oriented content.  A dramatic theme is more appreciated than an action movie and increases the romantic mood.  Action thrillers can be a downer for the girl.

Idea # 2:  Change the venue.

The first date place is often special.  Save it for another time and return to it, such as on the one month anniversary of dating.  You have a chance to find out more in another setting or activity.  How about an amusement park complete with rides and candy apples?  Find a place such as this to laugh and play a little bit while increasing contact such as holding hands, a gesture that brings security and comfort to both people.  Mr. Peterson could give a range of places, but each location is unique and the concept here is to make a plan.

Idea # 3:  Tell the other person where you are going and what you are doing (on the date).

Did you forget to tell her that you were taking her horseback riding?   She appears wearing a  designer miniskirt.  Mr. Peterson imagines the discussion at the stables and is still laughing.  If the boy / man does not say where they are going in advance, the girl / woman should always ask anyway.  Parents need to know that their daughter is going to a safe place and what kind of place they can be found in an emergency.  The girl / woman needs to know how to dress appropriately for the occasion. 

Idea # 4:  Compliments and jokes are a good thing.

Not all jokes are funny, but a little titter is appreciated even for a bad joke.  Do not tell an off-colour joke or one with a sick punch line.  Flattery works.  The old saying is, “Flattery will get you everywhere.”  Mr. Peterson would like to share a warning about flattery, however.  If flattery is insincere or excessive, you will be discovered to be a fraud.

Compliments bestowed on the date partner are endearing and confidence building.  Never criticize on the second date though, even slightly, unless the partner has done something so outrageous that it’s time to go home and forget about them.  Saying in a public restaurant, “I see your tan is fading” will not endear you to the other person.

Idea # 5:  Either date can physically touch the other. Don’t be afraid.

Touching appropriately is OK on the second date.  Gestures of physical affection, such as placing an arm around you, playing with your hair, or holding  you close while kissing, are fine.  Be receptive and respond in kind.  The male should make the first move, but some men have heard stories about the touchiness of some women and are actually afraid to initiate physical contact with them.  Women in contemporary America can initiate physical intimate contact as well.

Idea # 6:  Dress smartly.

If there is a range of places to go on the date, dress comfortably, but smartly.  Avoid high heels unless you know you’re going to church or the opera.  Appropriate dress means both comfort with the surroundings and confidence in appearance.  Dressing smartly does not mean to go out and buy some new dresses.  It means wear something that fits properly and looks good on you whether it came from Wal-Mart or Target.

Idea # 7:  Flirting is a good thing, but only with the date.

Mr. Peterson says, “Trust me on this one.”  Do not flirt with anyone but the person who brought you.  Men or women sometimes flirt on the side in a vain attempt to make themselves look popular with the opposite sex, but the date partner will interpret it as an insult.  Besides, you’ll look foolish flirting with other people while on a date.  You are not searching every minute for other possibilities.  You are trying to pin down the present shot that you have.

Flirting with your date is a way of communicating that you are fun and have a sense of humour.  You are improving your chances of a sustained relationship by flirting.  Flirting says, “I am interested in you and I can be exciting.”  Flirting is a way of complimenting the other in a fun way.  Flirting impresses people, is attention that is gratuitous, and is safe.  Returning the flirt is confirmation and validation that the other person is doing something right and gives them confidence.

Idea # 8:  Laugh off disagreements unless they are overwhelming.

Disagreement is natural unless one wants to become a sycophant.  A sycophant is not a sick elephant.  A sycophant is someone who cannot bear disagreement and always subordinates their thoughts and ideas to another.  On the second date, you are not yet engaged in a power play!  Definitely not!  Laugh off disagreements.  Find the humour in yourself and in the other person.  If agreement is not on the way, agree to disagree.

Idea # 9:  It is too early to commit.

The dating experience, especially the first few dates, is way too early to make promises to each other.  The best policy is don’t ask, don’t tell!  Commitment comes much farther down the road.  There are too many questions, too many possibilities including other dates, and too many pitfalls to overcome at this stage.  That does not mean an early commitment is doomed to failure, however.  Mr. Peterson does believe in love at first sight.

Idea # 10:  Sex is out of the question on the first or second date.

Don’t even go there.  I doubt that you know anything about the other’s sexual history or past partners, if any.  For mature individuals, sex may be understood as part of the equation and  the reason for the date in the first place.  According to Mr. Peterson, now we are in conflict with God’s plan if we are engaging in sex with every person we date.  For those that do plan on sex by date number two, bring appropriate birth control items in purse or pocket.

Even in advanced dating at more mature ages, psychologists tell us that six dates should be considered before advancing to having a sexual relationship.  One does need to learn something about the sexual history of the other and assess the possibility of life altering and life threatening diseases.

You have now made it through the second date and there is more ahead…


copyright 2016 - Anne Shier - to be published in book format in the future (hard cover, soft cover, e-book / audio book)

The First Date -- The Aftermath -- by Anne Shier

(From the book: Magnetism to Marriage: [A] Guilt-Free Guide to Dating, Relationships, Premarital Decisions, and Honeymoon, by Roy E. Peterson, with the assistance of Anthony and Kristeena Peterson, 2011—Chapter 4—“Let’s Get Together, Yay, Yay, Yay!”—includes some of Ms. Shier’s comments, where applicable)

Aftermath of Round 1.  Does it Add up?

(Assume the first date was successful.  Now what?  Should the man call, or should he wait?)

The author—Mr. Peterson—will assume that you did have a good first date and got out of bed the next morning thinking about how good it was to be dating and how nice the evening went and concluded.  Who makes the next move?  It may depend on whether there is a natural meeting place such as the halls at school, or the classroom at college.  These are natural meeting places and make it easy to engage in conversation even if it’s slightly coded to avoid others knowing how things went between you.  Assuming that is not the case, however, who moves first to establish contact?  One of you has to take the initiative.  Consider the other person.  If they are shy in conversation, but worth it, the more extroverted person should do the contacting. 

The traditional answer of course was that the man was supposed to call first, but tradition also often said ‘let it bake for a day or two’.  Women were taught that, to avoid appearing to chase a man, they had to wait.  Fear of rejection by either party after a good date is a problem as well.  Women are usually apprehensive about calling first.  Society has made them feel that way.  It is not just traditional.  Consider what happens if the phone is picked up and a female voice answers (instead of him).  Did I just date a married man?  Is this his mother? (These are a few of the questions a woman might ask herself if she calls first.)  You want to talk to him, not to whatever “her” answered.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with the woman making contact first, but it works best with sensitive or shy men.  Whoever calls first is taking the initiative and responsibility for the course of the relationship.

When not to call:  Do not call first out of frustration to ask, “ Why haven’t you called me?”  Bad move.  Instruction in the common laws of decency is obviously not high on the priority list of the other person.

Relationship experts advise not the call the next morning after a first date or even after the first few subsequent dates.  The most time, however, to wait is three days before taking the initiative.  This establishes an early formality to the relationship that is not overly aggressive or rude.  Waiting a little is what Mr. Peterson calls a percolation technique, which allows replays of the first date in the mind and develops a stronger feeling to want to simply hear the voice of the other person.

Women should understand that the person being dated is not running around with other women unless that is his reputation.  More than likely he is sitting at home watching the football game, eating a delivered pizza, and thinking about you.

Regardless of who makes the first call, however, timing is the key and tact is critical.  Unless you meet regularly at some location such as school or work where there is an automatic opportunity daily to communicate, Mr. Peterson suggests early evening between 7 and 8 pm as the most ideal time to call.  Don’t call a place of work.  The office policy may well dictate no personal calls, and, if you believe the author, the mood is definitely not right.  Responses will be controlled with coworkers hovering nearby.

Sending flowers or gifts is also not a good idea at this point unless you are extremely serious about continuing.  You are not stalking the other person, just looking for a positive response and hoping for another date.

The phone rings.  The heart quickens.  Could it be him?  It is!  Now what?  Make an effort to control your surprise, joy, or ecstasy; modulate your voice with a mild touch of enthusiasm.  It is probably not a good idea to say, “I’ve been waiting by the phone three days for your call!”  It is also probably not a good idea to blurt out, “You are my Prince Charming.”  The idea of another date and being together is still in the conceptual stage and there is no commitment that should be made by either person.

Or, the phone doesn’t ring.  Now what?  You may not have actually been rejected, but may not have become a priority yet.  The person who took you out on a date may be temporarily constrained by his parents or may be out of money.  All is not lost.  Don’t get mad, but do call in an even voice. Express your candid opinion of the first date and recall some interesting or even exciting moments if there were any.  Let the conversation take its course, whether there’s an excuse from the other for not calling, or a statement by the other that he did not call because he thought you would not like it.

Surprising to say, some people live in fear of rejection by you; it’s not just you fearing their rejection.  The call gives the chance for both of you to change the course of the future.  Understand that the first date is really just an experiment anyway to see if there are even common grounds for a relationship.  You are not yet in a relationship with this person; you are in limbo.

Some writers recommend not calling the other person if there is no call, say after five days.  Mr. Peterson disagrees.  You need to find out the truth.  You have a right to know if there is any hope for a future relationship.  Do not assume rejection, but listen to the verbal clues by the other person during the conversation.

Mr. Peterson says it’s better to be certain and put the date behind you if you are rejected than to wonder about it forever.  There is no need to ask why or why not.  Just assume that if there is not a second date, then there are other opportunities.  Don’t change yourself just to accommodate that one person’s opinion of you.

copyright 2016 - Anne Shier - to be published in book format in the future (hard cover, soft cover, e-book / audio book)

The First Date -- Do Not Be Late! -- by Anne Shier

(From the book: Magnetism to Marriage: [A] Guilt-Free Guide to Dating, Relationships, Premarital Decisions, and Honeymoon, by Roy E. Peterson, with the assistance of Anthony and Kristeena Peterson, 2011—Chapter 4—“Let’s Get Together, Yay, Yay, Yay!”—includes some of Ms. Shier’s comments, where applicable)

The first date is a collection mission, but probably for most it is just being with another person for the first time and feeling wanted by someone they like.  The author—Mr. Peterson—does not suggest an ideal age to start dating.  Ages are culturally derived, not an absolute.  In many countries of the world, marriages are arranged often at the age of puberty or around 12 years of age.  In the Bible, by the age of 12, girls are already betrothed (engaged). 

In America, dating starts usually around the time one person or the other gets their driver’s license.  When Mr. Peterson got married, he was 21 and his wife was 17.  They had dated for one year and been engaged for another.  His wife had to get a signed permission form by her mother at the Court House in order to get married.  Mr. Peterson still remembers the application process and her mother waiting to sign the form.  That means she was 15 when they started dating and he was 19.

Not only do the two people dating collect intelligence (information) on each other, the parents also begin their own research (though they don’t call it that) on the person their son or daughter is dating.  What do they already know about this person from sports, social gatherings, friendships with the other family, church groups, or on the street?  What do they need to know?  Panic sets in.  Who is this person who wants to be with their son or daughter?  What are their intentions?  Why did they choose their son or daughter to be with?

As a former intelligence officer, Mr. Peterson supposes he could give a list of items that is meant particularly for parents.  Let’s call them “dating collection requirements”, shall we?

Dating Collection Requirements

1.     Name.  Obviously, this is the first requirement.  Do you already know this person?
2.  Address.  What is the proximity of, and where is their neighbourhood?

3.     Phone Number (and other means of communication, such as email, Facebook.com, MySpace.com, and texting).

4.     Church Affiliation.  Do they go to the same church as you?  Do they go to a compatible church?  Catholics versus Protestants plus Baptists is often a problem.

5.     Friends. Who do you know that also knows him or her?  What is their reputation?  Who they hang out with (to use the modern vernacular) is important.

6.     Age.  Is there a major difference in age?

7.     Race.  Is there a problem with a son or daughter dating a person of a different race?
8.     Education.  What education do they have?  What education do they seek?

9.     Activities.  Do they play sports?  Do they play in the school band?  Do they play any musical instruments?  What are their hobbies?  This last one is particularly useful for planning on giving a Christmas or a birthday gift.

10.  Parents.  Do you know the parents?  Does this person come from a single family home or the foster care system?  This question helps with sensitivities and is not meant to be held against anyone.

1   11.  Employment.  If out of school, are they employed?  For whom do they work?  Is this a temporary job, or a career move?  Are they employed while in school?  What do they do with their money?  Save?  Or buy a car or truck?

1   12. Affiliations.  Political?  Social?  Networking?  Fringe Groups?  Danger Groups?  (And, what is meant by ‘Danger Groups’? you ask.)  Is there a potential for violence or activism that could get them into trouble and your son or daughter along with them?  I classify a coven or witchcraft group as a threat to the son or daughter and to the family as well.  That is but one example.  Investigate the groups.  An innocent sounding name may hide an evil purpose or may harbour a criminal intent.

1   13. Brothers and Sisters.  Do they have brothers or sisters?  What do you need to know about them?

These twelve questions are a good start to the list.  Everyone should continue with their own list.  Most parents simply do not have a plan in mind and just get whatever information falls into their lap.  An active collection agenda is good for everyone.  Don’t interrogate the person on the first date, but do think about filling out your list at least mentally if not in your diary.  Return to the Principles of Dating (mentioned previously) for what the boy / man should be doing on the first date. 

In addition to the ten principles of dating, he could give flowers on the first date.  That starts the mood off right and impresses his date’s parents of his goodness and thoughtfulness.


copyright 2016 - Anne Shier - to be published in book format in the future (hard cover, soft cover, e-book / audio book)

Rules of the Dating Game -- by Anne Shier

(From the book: Magnetism to Marriage: [A] Guilt-Free Guide to Dating, Relationships, Premarital Decisions, and Honeymoon, by Roy E. Peterson, with the assistance of Anthony and Kristeena Peterson, 2011—Chapter 4—“Let’s Get Together, Yay, Yay, Yay!”—includes some of Ms. Shier’s comments, where applicable)

The Dating Game:  High Risks, High Rewards

Dating is more than a game.  It’s high stakes poker with high risks and high rewards as well as potentially devastating losses when you go “all in”.  Let’s discuss the dating game at the very beginning before the first date.   What is important to each person on the date?  How do we act?  What manners are exhibited? There are some principles that the author--Mr. Peterson--has developed over years of personal experience and observation.

Principle # 1:  Never bring a friend along on a date unless there is a double date.

Circumstances may dictate a double date, such as not having a car, going to a first party, insistence of the other person on a safe driving experience, or a blind date introduction.  Those are understandable circumstances and must be presented in advance to the date as the only alternatives for the first time out.  Other than that, the first principle of dating is to NEVER, EVER include a friend.  Elvis Presley had a great song that applies to dating and friends being involved:

That’s When Your Heartaches Begin

Love is a thing you never can share

And when you bring a friend into your love affair,

That’s the end of your sweetheart

That’s the end of your best friend

That’s when the heartaches begin.

What possible motivations are there for bringing along a friend?  Excuses range from soothing nerves on a first date; impressing a boy or girl with a friend that is judged to have more experience, charm, and status; learning how to behave properly; looking less eager for a kiss; or prepping the friend to provide compliments about you and your prowess in some field or area.  Only the emotionally insecure bring along a friend.  The amazing fact is that the emotionally insecure are in the majority.

The view of the person you are dating is that they see a lack of leadership, insecurity (which is the truth), and lack of trust (fear of what might happen).  Lack of leadership means that everything done requires a poll and must be approved by everyone on the date.  Insecurity means mistrust of one’s judgment or a fear of messing up, which demonstrates a lack of self-confidence.  If there really is a lack of trust, why go on the date in the first place?  Girls want to date someone who demonstrates leadership, shows respect, has manners, and is self-confident.  They don’t want a “wuss”.

This does not mean that going to a birthday party with another couple or doing things together with others are out.  What it does mean is that for early dating and building relationships, the couple must be alone without interference to determine for themselves their suitability for each other.

(Ms. Shier’s perspective:  This principle is so personally true for me and explains why I went on so many dates in my younger days, but not many that did not involve other people to some extent.  Early dating should be a one-on-one situation that does not involve anyone else.  How else can you expect to get to know the other person better except when you’re alone with him?  I certainly would never want to date a “wuss” if I could possibly help it--and I didn’t if I could possibly help it.)

Principle # 2:  The guy pays unless….

The person doing the inviting pays unless the boy / man offers or, even better, takes the bill when it comes to the table or pays for the movie tickets.  A guy can never go wrong when he picks up the tab even when invited.  Exceptions to this rule are, of course, someone else has already paid, the girl / woman received free tickets, or the girl works at Disneyland (for example) and has free passes for the summer.  In western society in particular, however, the boy / man pays for the restaurant tab and the tickets for events.

Principle # 3:  Arrive on time.

Always arrive on the minute or earlier, not later.  Mr. Peterson has a story to share about the first date of his mother and father that shows early arrival to the extreme.  His father lived 60 miles away from the town in which his mother lived.  They had met at a church rally and decided to go on a first date at 6 pm on the next Satur-day night.  The morning of the date came and his mother’s grandmother, with whom she was living at the time, went to the window at 6 o’clock in the morning and exclaimed, “Minette, get up!  There is someone in a car out front.”  His mother came to the window and began laughing uncontrollably.  “That’s my date for tonight and he’s twelve hours early!”  At this point, her grandmother said, “Well then, invite him in to spend the day.”  Mrs. Peterson’s grandmother was extremely pleased to have time to spend with her grandchild’s first date, and she was blown away by the concern her date had just shown for reaching her on time over the dirt roads (unpaved) of the 1930’s.  Perhaps it is never too early to arrive on a date, however, Mr. Peterson recommends arriving five minutes early just in case.

Principle # 4:  Leave your emotional bags at home.

The first date is not a therapy session.  Besides, you do not want to divulge your problems for the other person to deal with on the first date:  your psycho-boss, teacher, or parent is not something to place on the other person’s doorstep, at least not yet.  Your cheating ex is not someone to bring into the conversation.  This is an exploratory date.  If the other party brings something like that up, be sensitive, but take control and steer the conversation in another direction.

On subsequent dates minor disclosures are fine.  Open one little carrying case at a time and do not dwell on it.  Of course, respond in a positive manner if the date wants to know because that shows that the date is concerned about you and there is nothing to worry about.  Do not unpack the entire case on the first date.

Principle # 5:  Focus on the other person.

Pay a lot of attention to the other person.  If you are in a crowd, don't come down with roving eye syndrome, assessing other possibilities.  Ask innocuous questions about the interests, goals, dreams, and realities of the other person.  This is neither a time to probe nor a time to give an intelligence quiz.  Don’t ask, “What does your mother think of us dating?”  Mr. Peterson believes that the other person normally doesn’t have a clue yet what their parents think.  You really don’t care and don’t want to know the answer to that question anyway.  It is irrelevant to your relation-ship, at least for now.  Similarly, you don’t need a Wunderlich test question that is usually given to professional athletes such as, “If you were an animal, which one would you be?”  You want to make each other comfortable, not ask any pass/fail questions of each other.

Principle # 6:  Stay on safe topics.

The weather might be the safest topic to discuss, but it is boring.  Events at school, sports, world events, television shows, movies, and personal interests are usually safe topics and are ice breakers.  Stay with topics that seem of interest to the other person.  Your date will not feel threatened and they will love to share.  For them, the time will pass quickly and they will feel that they had a wonderful date with you regardless of whether it is spent sitting in a car at a fast food restaurant, or in a more sophisticated place.

Principle # 7:  Show a sense of humour.  Laugh and smile.

Most of us are attracted to fun, witty dates who demonstrate a sense of humour and the ability to laugh at whatever happens.  Don’t do it on purpose as a test, but if a coke falls in the other person’s lap or your own, laugh a little and get them to see the humour.  Smiling is the surest way to another person’s subconscious.  If something happens to you, show a good sense of humour, laugh at yourself at least a little, make a witty comment about your predicament, or repeat something funny with a smile and a laugh.  It may be funnier the second time around.

Principle # 8:  Prepared spontaneity (can add wonderful things).

Opportunities for romantic interludes may present themselves without preparation and they are often the best chances for a more intimate encounter of the best kind.  If the restaurant you’re in is near a beach or lake, suggest taking a stroll along the beach or lakeside.  Mr. Peterson calls this a mood enhancer.  Relationship experts generally agree that the number one way to generate interest in you is to bring some excitement to the date that is appropriate.  A walk in the park, a ride around an interesting area nearby, or a visit to an amusement park, are all things that can seem spontaneous, even though you have already thought them out.

On later dates, more provocative things can be done such as taking your date to a scary movie, going on a scary boat ride, or taking a fast motorbike ride.  Endo-morphins are produced in the brain that, while stimulating fear in the mind, also create sexual desire.

(Ms. Shier’s perspective:  Some of the best times I ever spent on a date were when my future husband and I took a drive together among the Bayview Manors, a very upscale neighbourhood in Toronto.  We admired the mansions there and shared our dreams of owning a home of our own one day.  This sharing brought us closer together and I will never forget that part of our relationship.)

Principle # 9:  Appropriate physical signals (should be picked up).

Neuro-linguistic specialists observe body language and know the power of understanding how a person feels from the way they stand, sit, or look.  Crossing arms, for example, means back off; I am closed to what you are saying.  Some ways to communicate with body language that subtly influences the other person are to stand facing the other person, look into the eyes of your date, smile, laugh at whatever seems laughable, and lean over toward them a little when talking.  Do not lean too far forward or the signal may be misunderstood.  Use it subtly during a conversation to influence the other person.

A good approach learned from sales classes is to mirror the gestures of the other and then take control by moving your hands.  The mimicking process makes the other person feel comfortable, as though you really understand them.  Then you can control their body language without them realizing what they are projecting.

A touch can be electric and reassuring at the same time.  Holding a person’s hand, or patting a partner on the shoulder or back is encouraging and is a friendly gesture that the date is being enjoyed.  Women love it when a man places his hand on the small of her back.  She feels protected, guided, led, and secure with her date.

(Ms. Shier’s perspective:  Body language tells a person much more about the other person than what they say.  Body language is when you understand what the person really means by how they say something rather than what they say.  It is also about how they sit or stand and how their posture is interpreted as being either open or closed to communication.  In fact, much more is communicated via non-verbal signs than through verbal communication between people.  If you are open to these non-verbal signs, you can learn much more about others.)

Principle # 10:  Complete the date on a high note.

Bad date?  Complete the date on a high note, unless you are running from danger.  By high note, Mr. Peterson means upbeat compliments such as thank you for taking me out.  This phrase does not say much and is safe, regardless of the date and circumstances.  Completing the date does not mean you are planning on accepting another one with the creep.  Lack of a kiss may mean there is no future in this relationship, although it may also mean shyness, inexperience, or lack of one’s own self-confidence.  Be content in knowing that you have made a friendship a little stronger.

Good date?  Say you had a great time (and mean it) and that you would like to go out again on a date.  There is nothing wrong with this coming from either the boy or girl or both.  Affirmation is a prelude to a second date and ends the evening on a high note.  A kiss is perhaps the best note to end the evening and shows that both want more in the future.  Later, Mr. Peterson mentions how to kiss, but the idea is not to kiss too long or too passionately.  You don’t want to appear too eager or easy to get.  Keep the mystery going a little longer.

(Ms. Shier’s perspective:  A woman should not be kissing a man if she is not planning on seeing him again.  A kiss is a physical sign that she is receptive to another date (and perhaps something else more intimate).  All I know is that I have kissed a man I wanted to kiss; if he kissed me first, that does not mean I kissed him back.  Kissing has to be a two-way street to be at all meaningful; but, in any case, it should be a light kiss after the first couple of dates.  There will be plenty of time for getting more intimate later on.  Be happy that you had a good first date and take it as a positive sign of things to come for the two of you.)

copyright 2016 - Anne Shier - to be published in book format in the future (hard cover, soft cover, e-book / audio book)