Romance Rules - Part A - by Anne Shier

(From the book: Magnetism to Marriage: [A] Guilt-Free Guide to Dating, Relationships, Premarital Decisions, and Honeymoon, by Roy E. Peterson, with the assistance of Anthony and Kristeena Peterson, 2011—Chapter 5—Romance Rules”—includes some of Ms. Shier’s comments, where applicable)

We are now somewhere way beyond the second date.  We are in a romantic relationship!  Now what?  The road to the alter is not smoothly paved with rose petals.  This chapter (five) suggests making a personal inventory of whatever makes you happy.  The next step is to list all the qualities you want in a relationship and marriage.  This chapter then turns to the differences between a Romeo (boy or man) and a Juliet (girl or woman).

Romance Rules

The last chapter (four) asked, what is love?  Now, the question is, what is romance and what do I want out of romance?  Let’s start with the no-no’s, look at ourselves, and then decide on the qualities that are the most pleasing in a romantic relationship.

Never, Ever…

Rule # 1:  You already know Rule # 1 (of dating) - No Friends.

Never bring a friend into your love affair either as a tag along or as an arbiter in an argument.  That ruins everything.  Friends are at the very least an impediment, and at the worst they want to separate the happy couple.  The author—Mr. Peterson—said it in the previous chapter and it is worth repeating.  Keep friends away except for special occasions like a birthday, or an occasional walk with another couple, but never (and he means never) have a friend around your girlfriend or boyfriend for an evening or take them places such as a movie.  Three is not only a crowd, it is dangerous.

Rule # 2:  If a person drinks, do so only in moderation.

This is obvious – never get drunk.  When you are out of control, your future is out of control.  Not only are sexual inhibitions released, you could end up with the wrong partner for the night and lose the whole romantic relationship you had worked on so hard.  Drinking makes fools out of everyone.

Rule # 3:  Never lie.

Wow!  That sounds easy until the questions open up the past.  The wise person becomes adept at sidestepping direct questions about the past,  just as the wise person does not ask such questions in the first place.  There are natural times for a few details from the past to come out.  Some come out regardless of our intentions to keep them hidden.  An ex-boyfriend or girlfriend meets you at a party and begins to regale the entire crowd on your past sexual exploits and partners.  Get them to shut up by all means, but meet the accusations head on with your paramour after the party, and tell the truth, at least in bits and pieces.  Mr. Peterson sincerely believes that they do not want to hear the whole sordid tale, but that their curiosity has now been aroused.  You will need to approach this head on, but with tact and diplomacy.

A little dose of truth is sufficient.  Too much honesty is overwhelming and scary.  The best strategy in romance is to judiciously sprinkle the truth and then only if asked.  This takes us to the fourth rule.

Rule # 4:  Do not share too much.

Mr. Peterson has already indicated that.  A romance is not a confessional and your romantic partner is not the priest.  You don’t get ten Hail Marys and then absolution for confessing the truth.  Keep your mystique.  Keep some things for the marriage.  Over-sharing is over-saturation.  Too much information does damage.  If all personal qualities and ideas are exposed, it can turn the other person off.

Rule # 5:  Never say too much.  Watch your tongue.

Talking is not necessarily sharing.  Talking can serve as a defense mechanism and assist with Rule # 4 (above).  Mr. Peterson says he cannot count the number of people who think they are witty and want so much to tell the world about the personal details of a romance.  But, conversation is like alcohol, never stray beyond moderation.  What may be open for discussion for you may be desired to kept a secret by your lover.  Sarcasm is delightful only in small quantities and with a smile or smirk.  Continuing sarcasm, though, is taken as criticism of the date and where they have taken you for the evening.

Rule # 6:  Never, but never say “I love you” without meaning it.

There is a difference between men and women saying I love you – not that the intention is not on the same plane.  It is.  If it’s said too early in a relationship by the woman, the man, afraid of commitment, could be gone with the wind.  Men are more afraid of being tied down than women.  Women are the settlers (sometimes referred to as nesters) with the time clock ticking and wanting to be in a committed relationship.  This does not mean that men are seeking something else.  The man’s time clock is set differently and his maturity comes later than for a woman.

When a man tells a woman he loves her, he is now opening himself up and has now committed himself to the relationship and all that entails.

Rule # 7:  Never beg or appear needy.

Begging for something from the other person, especially for sex, is the greatest weakness that can be shown by anyone.  Appearing not to be in a state of need for affection, or attention, or sex, increases the likelihood of getting all those things.

Rule # 8:  Never say “I’m sorry”.

On the television series, NCIS, Jethro Gibbs has a rule, “Never say you’re sorry.”  In a romantic relationship, the idea is to never have to say those  words.  Saying you’re sorry once or twice may actually be an endearing quality, if it is sincere.  If there are a lot of those, however, there is a distinct problem and things are not as they should be.  Too many times of saying I’m sorry means goodbye, I can’t take it anymore.

Rule # 9:  Never leave each other angry and never go to bed angry with the other person.

This rule is a big one.  This is the same rule you must have heard about a marriage.  Some of us internalize anger and get very quiet.  Some of us get it quickly out of our system.  All of us can harbour a grudge or resentment that is unspoken and sometimes even goes unrecognized.  Whether it happens at the end of a date, at the end of an evening phone call, or at the end of the day when going to bed together, the only policy that makes sense is to get rid of anger through communication.   By that, Mr. Peterson does not mean shouting and yelling, although this is prevalent in some cultures and some families.

If the partner comes from one of those cultures or families, someone is going to have to adjust their rhetoric downward and it may take soothing, cajoling, or counter yelling to get it done.  Then, the task is to tell the other person that you cannot live with that type of pain or tension.  Make sure you never leave the other person in an angry mood.

Rule # 10:  Fight fairly (according to the rules).

Here is a tough rule.  The rules of fighting in a male-female relationship are different than those of fighting with someone of your own sex.  A disagreement may be a “fight” and yet, neither one realizes it.  Boys / Men, you do know by now never to strike a girl / woman.  Right?  This is a never, ever rule.  Some conflict can actually strengthen a relationship whether you’re on a date, engaged, or married.

(More to follow on Rule # 10.)

copyright 2016 - Anne Shier - to be published in book format in the future (hard cover, soft cover, e-book / audio book)